Update

Well, the Christmas week was a bust both financially and health-related. I ate what I wanted and spent what I wanted.

We received a surprise bonus at work - a month's salary. Instead of socking it all away, I went shopping. I took Tom's girls to a movie and dinner ($60) and bought Shawn a nice diamond-accented bracelet ($275). Add a few other 'extras' and I'm pretty sure I've spent at least half of the bonus. I'll give things till Friday to clear, check the bank account and move whatever is left over.

I ate whatever I came across. I now weigh 180 pounds - more than I have ever weighed. AND that's with walking Bailey at least an hour a day all week long. I am so sick of eating. I think most of the junk is out of the house so maybe I can start my New Year's Diet tomorrow.

I'm trying to not feel like a total failure with life.

Update

I made the appropriate payments to Visa and MasterCard for December. I am almost out of money - December is tough. Gifts are the least of the money-grabbers; postage, Christmas cards, copies of the annual End-of-Year letter, batteries, last minute contributions to all the charities you put off month after month. Before you know it, you have eaten through your paycheck and have nothing to add to savings.

I have been writing down everything I spend to see if I can find the 'latte' - little indulges I don't need but get anyway. I have a lot of lattes - a hot chocolate here, a magazine there. I guess the good news is when I run out of money, the lattes are finished for the month.

My diet is non-existent. A bad time at work has me eating almost uncontrollably. As soon as I finish one item, I'm in the kitchen looking for the next. Doesn't matter what it is - I even ate dry cereal yesterday before breaking in to the frozen cookie dough and baking 10 chocolate chocolate-chip cookies which I inhaled. Instead of learning a lesson from the tummy ache later in the evening, I went and did the same thing again today! What is wrong with me?

The only exercise I've had this week is climbing the stairs after attacking the kitchen. I am no where near my goal for the month and won't reach it at this rate. I am letting the stresses of my job and the long overtime hours get the better of me.

Update

I have been unsuccessful in starting a diet regime - I find myself snacking unconsciously all the time. I don't know why I have this horrid urge to eat - I'm filling an empty slot with food instead of what it really needs. What I really need is companionship, activity and entertainment. Sitting at home day after day, working in front of a computer and entertaining myself in front of a TV isn't good. Unfortunately, I am stumped over what I should do instead. I can't afford to go anywhere and I know no one to go with. Maybe I'll do better this week.

I have determined that by paying Visa $450 a month every month (no skipping) and using the card ONLY for gas purchases, I can have my Visa card paid in about 17 months. That's a year and a half. And then I would still have my Mastercard to contend with (I would pay $200 a month, every month, toward Mastercard during my Visa attack.) Seems fairly daunting, doesn't it? But waiting around for my inheritance to cover a bill has become a joke - we are never going to sell Mom and Dad's house; not in this market. And even if we do, the back taxes and penalties are going to suck up a good portion of any profit made by the sale. So, I have to dig my own way out of this quicksand - and I will. I will.

The Beginning

I've decided that to tackle my issues, I must be honest about them. No more skirting around the facts and sticking my head in the proverbial sand. This blog will serve as my therapist, forcing me to really look at where I am in two categories, where I want to be and how my journey is going.

The first category will be finances. I simply owe way more than I'm worth. And I'm tired of hiding it. Before I can deal with it, though, I know I have to say my total debt out loud. I've never done that - I have never spoken or written down exactly how much I owe in credit card debt. I give ballpark numbers or 'after I make this payment' estimates. So, here goes - to date, I owe $6,008 to Visa and $10,093 to MasterCard. I also just paid Discover Card, $285. There are a few charges pending on that card so I will probably owe another $300 eventually. I owe a total of $16,400. There, I've said it - out loud. And I cringed. I want it gone.

The next category will be weight. As of this morning, I am at an all-time high of 179. I lay in bed at night feeling my heart struggle with the high blood pressure. I wake up with aching knees, hips and back from the weight. I'm outgrowing my fattest clothes and can wear exactly four items from my closet. I am killing myself. My intention with this category is to lose 5 pounds a month. That's all - just five pounds. The junk food is over, the walking begins. I may check into yoga, if my finances allow me to do so. I want it gone.

So, there are my categories. I have a strategy for the weight and need to create one for the finances. That will be my next blog entry.